How to Tell What You Want From What Others Expect: A Practical Guide to Self-Awareness
Contents
There is only one way — your way. You are looking for a path. I take you away from mine, because it may turn out to be wrong for you. Let everyone go their own way.
Carl Gustav Jung, Deep Psychology, Red Book (Liber Novus)
Jung believed that every person has a path that only they can walk. No borrowed map will ever serve as a perfect compass. But in real life, finding that path is anything but straightforward.
We grow up inside a system where someone always “knows better”: family, culture, school, work environments, social norms. Over time these voices become so familiar that they start sounding like your own thoughts. Step by step, they create a background current that quietly pulls you off course.
One offhanded comment at a family dinner. One evening scrolling through a feed where everyone seems to have “figured it out”: the ideal job, the ideal relationship, the ideal city, the ideal life. One quick decision was made because “it’s the right thing to do.”
Desires can look “right” on the surface — they fit the ideal, earn approval, even bring a short sense of order. But inside, something rubs you the wrong way. That’s what happens when you take the step, but the meaning never catches up.
Time passes. The pattern repeats. That’s how inner noise builds. External expectations and real desires get so tangled that pulling them apart feels harder than it should. And then, one random morning, at the edge of yet another decision, the question appears:
Whose path am I walking?
Which part of this life is genuinely mine?
Just asking these questions doesn’t mean your earlier choices were wrong. It means you’re finally able to see which desires grow from your own needs and which ones grew from someone else’s beliefs whispered into your spine. This is where self-awareness begins: the ability to see the boundary between mine and not mine.
Why “What I Want” Gets Confused With “What Others Want From Me”
Before we ever make a choice on our own, we spend years living inside choices made for us. Family stories, cultural scripts, inherited ideals of a “proper life” — they form the silent operating system underneath our decisions.
Over the years, foreign expectations and authentic desires merge so tightly that the boundary becomes invisible. What should bring a sense of aliveness starts feeling like compliance. What could be a personal choice starts sounding like a duty. Stick to someone else’s script long enough and you lose touch with your own voice.
Signs the Desire Isn’t Yours
You can make a decision consciously and still feel uneasy afterward. If that happens, it helps to notice a few specific signals.
- Before deciding, your first thought is not about yourself but about how others might react.
- You agree more often out of fear of disappointing someone than out of genuine interest.
- Reaching the goal brings no relief. Instead, you feel tired or strangely empty.
- The thought “I should” keeps running quietly in the background, even when no one is saying it out loud.
- You feel guilt or tension when you consider choosing something outside what is considered normal.
- When you imagine success, you see someone else’s approval rather than your own sense of satisfaction.
- When someone asks, “What do you want?” your mind goes blank or feels scattered.
- You spend more energy on how your choice looks from the outside than on how it feels inside.
They are often the first doorway into honesty with yourself.
How to Hear Yourself: A Step-by-Step Method
Step 1. Pause and separate “I want” from “I should”
Take a literal one-minute pause before deciding anything. Ask yourself:
- If no one commented on my choice, would I still do this?
- How does this decision affect my life — not someone’s idea of it?
- Is this about my interest or my obligation to someone?
If the answers lean toward “that’s how it’s done”, “that’s what people expect”, “otherwise it’s wrong” — that’s your red flag.
Step 2. Ask your body
The mind debates; the body tells the truth. Imagine the decision is already made and notice:
- What happens to your breath?
- Where does tension appear?
- Is there heaviness in your chest or stomach?
Tension usually signals a choice made out of pressure or fear. Lightness, calmness, or subtle excitement usually signal a real desire. The body has no concept of social norms, that's why it’s honest.
Step 3. The “Energy or Exhaustion” Test
Don’t dissect the desire — feel it.
- The thought of taking extra work makes you tired before starting? → That’s “should.”
- The thought of finally taking the course you’ve been postponing sparks interest — even if it’s scary? → That’s “want.”
Here’s the catch: sometimes a seemingly “obligatory” action becomes meaningful once you look deeper.
Ask: “What larger purpose is driving me?”
If looking at the deeper reason brings a sense of clarity or quiet excitement, the desire is likely yours, even if the first step feels uncomfortable. Real desires don’t always feel easy at the start, but they tend to give energy over time rather than drain it.
Step 4. Recognize the scripts that aren’t yours
We carry internalized voices of people who shaped us even long after they’re gone. Ask yourself:
- Whose voice am I echoing?
- Who will be satisfied first — me or someone else?
- Who benefits more: my real self or the image of a “proper adult”?
- If I grew up elsewhere, would I still want this?
Family scripts often sound like this:
“You need something stable.”
“Don’t disappoint anyone.”
“Pick a job that pays, not one that excites you.”
Social scripts sound different, but push just as hard:
“By this age, most people already have their own place.”
“It’s probably time to start thinking about kids.”
Noticing these voices for what they are is already half the work.
Practical Exercises for Finding Your Real Desires
Exercise 1: Set Up
This practice in the Self App helps you tell the difference between a genuine “I want” and an automatic “I should.”
- Start by naming a situation or a choice that matters to you.
It can be something big or something very small. - Ask yourself, “Why do I actually want to do this?”
Try to notice whether the answer comes from your own desire or from someone else’s expectations. - Pay attention to the first phrase that appears in your mind.
“I want.”
“I should.”
“This is the right thing to do.”
“This is what they expect.” - Then look for the deeper reason behind the action.
What are you really hoping for right now?
Relief. Growth. Recognition. Peace. Avoiding conflict. - Imagine the action already done and notice what happens in your body.
Do you feel lighter, or more tense? - Finally, ask yourself honestly whether this truly matters to you at this moment.
Is this important for me right now?
If the answer is no, allow yourself that clarity and keep your energy for what actually does.
Exercise 2: Duty Drills
- Describe a situation that’s been weighing on you.
- Note which area of your life it touches most.
- Write down every “I must” and “I need to” that shows up around this situation.
These are the inner rules currently running the show.
- Choose one rule that feels the strongest or the most limiting.
- Think back to where it came from.
Who passed it on to you?
When did it first help or protect you?
- Notice how this rule affects you now.
What does it push you to do?
What does it keep you from doing?
How does your body react when you think about it?
- Imagine letting this rule go, just for a moment.
What feels dangerous about that idea?
What feels like relief?
- Ask yourself what this rule was really trying to protect.
Was it love, acceptance, safety, control?
- Write down two or three gentler ways to meet that same need today.
- Create a new rule that feels closer to who you actually are now.
- Choose one small, realistic action that supports this new rule and pay attention to how your body responds.
Exercise 3: Tracker
A Self App tool for building an inner compass. Make brief notes across four simple categories.
1. Attention sparks
Small moments that caught your attention today: words, colors, looks, scenes, emotions.
2. Ideas and insights
Thoughts that surfaced on their own:
“I want to try this.”
“It would be nice if…”
3. Reflection
A few lines about what’s been looping in your mind and why it keeps coming back.
4. Daily headline
One sentence that captures the emotional tone of your day:
“A day about courage.”
“A day about new ideas.”
“A day about exhaustion.”
After three to five days, look for patterns. Notice what repeats: themes, needs, desires, fears. Choose one small, concrete action that matches what you’re seeing. Add it to your Self Projects and let insight turn into movement.
When Your Desires Clash With Others’ Expectations: How Not to Lose Yourself
Wherever there’s an “I want,” there’s often something trailing close behind it: “What will other people think?”
The moment your choice starts to break someone else’s unspoken script, it’s easy to lose your sense of direction.
Common situations where this shows up:
Career.
You want to change fields, but your family keeps pushing the idea of “stability.”
Relationships.
You’re not ready for marriage or living together, while friends, parents, or your environment are quietly — or loudly — pressuring you.
Education.
You feel drawn to a different path, but the “prestigious” option was decided long before you had a say.
Creativity.
You want to write, draw, make music — and keep hearing, “That’s not a real job.”
This tension is normal. It’s what happens when two realities collide: the life others imagine for you and the one you’re actually trying to live.
How Not to Drown in Guilt
Guilt shows up when we forget one simple truth: meeting someone else’s expectations is not the same thing as being a good person.
Check your intention.
Ask yourself:
Am I doing this out of care or out of fear of looking ungrateful, difficult, or selfish?
If fear is driving the choice, it isn’t really yours.
Separate people from their projections.
What others expect from you usually says more about their fears, their history, their way of seeing the world, not about your actual life.
Don’t over-explain.
Your no carries the same weight as your yes. Your choices don’t need a justification tour.
Practice small honesty.
You can say:
“I value your perspective. But I want to try it my way.”
That’s where you place a boundary the other person didn’t notice or chose to ignore.
Life gets easier the moment you stop asking for permission to be yourself
No one’s life is meant to be a group project. People may advise, worry, push, or hope but you’re the one who has to live with the consequences. That’s why your "I want" deserves to speak louder than all the expectations around you.